To my favourite place in Sale,
Right next to the motorways
Where i swim with ducks and people
In my best and worst of days.
From the days of 2020,
When all life had gone to shit
There i was, dreaming of swimming
Got annoyed, then threw a fit.
Went online, checked the retailers
Found myself an old wetsuit
Did not know what type or features
Lost my brain in that pursuit.
Few days later, i was delivered
The best gift of all, i swear!
Nice and purple, fishy looking
Lots of neoprene to wear.
Took my newest gift to Sale
Even drove from home in it
Not knowing that it’s supposed
To be packed as travel kit.
Feeling proud, i left my parked car
Walking happily to shore
In my neoprene attire
And the wet and wild outdoors.
It was rainy, as expected
Weather absolutely grim
But i smiled from ear to ear
Knowing it was time to SWIIIM
It was cold, and strange and scary
But i felt this happy bliss
Knowing that i found some sunshine
That’s disguised in the abyss.

So that’s it! that’s how it happened
Got myself in open waters
Now i do it almost weekly
And to me, it’s all that matters.

Cheesy rhimes, i know, its tough this
Writing stuff is not my best.
So i’ll stick with just the swimming
Leave the poetry to rest.

by Lola the brit.

No wonder things go south when you least expect them, the main reason being, it is increasingly difficult to come up with original ideas that will revolutionize something and make the front page. Instead, we choose to stay on the safe lane driving carefully with the seat belt on while imagining rollercoaster rides on heavy metal soundtracks.

Management directives have developed from unrealistic ideas which were extrapolated to poorly described dreams leading to disastrous disappointments. No one is safe. And that’s why people choose to reinvent the wheel, they need the reassurance that things are getting started or at least appear to be work-in-progress. Liar, liar, pants on fire. Sinking ship or downhill ride, no stakeholder matrix or risk management toolkit will ever bring it back to life, hope is just a lie we keep telling to ourselves to avoid coming to terms with the sudden and very painful death of our motivation.

Ciao tutti, I’m off to Scotland to bread sheep!

This must come as no surprise and I am pretty confident most of you have found out already, Chang has been promoted to deputy programme supervisor. More specifically, we are proud to say we’ve appointed a new commander in chief for the North West district of “Teach you how to stunt”. With great power comes great irresponsibility and we count on Chang to lead us through these times of change with unfiltered honesty and JFDI attitude. Below a few thoughts from our new leader:

Olga, 

Happy new year and hope you had some crazy holidays away from work!  Could not be more happy about the new job and irresponsibilities that come with it. I have no plan on changing my behavior, on the contrary, I have decided to explore to the fullest my political incorrectness which brought  me where I stand today. Heads will roll!

What I had hoped would be a smooth transition to the new role turned into a marathon of open tasks which had fellow colleagues emailing like maniacs. Amazing how quickly my plan has backfired, considering that I’ve been back to work for just a week now and already feel mentally exhausted and sleep deprived. It’s all fun and games up to a point where it suddenly goes downhill. Over the coming weeks some drastic changes will happen in the North West district and I trust to have your full support on implementing my strategy. Until then, all the best and keep you posted!

Sayonara!
Chang

Andaluzia, our very famous correspondent, keeps on showing us her constantly improving skills on English language. And a self diagnosis. The Pawel dynasty, under the strict supervision of Olga, is very proud of the “Teach you how to stunt” project and keeps encouraging young talents to show off their talents. Here’s Andaluzia:

Olga friend,

I listen to very nice musics in the past days from Monday to present tense, some I like others I find sleepy but mood changing every time. What person do you know who never listen to music? I know I would be very boring without soundtrack to my life. This day today I listen to radio and hear “demons” song which got me in a positive state of mind and I ride the bicycle like a maniac singing at the taxi drivers. I hope you like and listen to music even reggae vibes and balkan ska but NEVĂR listen to skrillex cause it’s brain damage. 

As you see from my letters which are more than in the past, I learn English with duolingo and practice poems while I run in the park with dogs. I learn the days of the week which is monday, tuesday, wenzday, thurzday, friday and the weekend. Sunday I never liked because it’s a boring 24 hours and sleepy. My lessons in vocabulary were used this week when I went to watch Robin Sharma, a guru of happiness and being leader, in a conference. I need no translation now because I understand. I got a book about a monk, learn some leader skillz and inspiration for every days I have to work. 

I have some friends which are older that say I am sick with little OCD, I try google and I’m not happy about results on OCD. I like to clean yes and put things in line were they are, but because it helps me use time better. The internet say people who have real case of this disease are really sick and don’t have control but it’s not me, so my friends are wrong and stupid. Bad friends, never trust.

This is autumn and I really like better than idiot summer. Besos to Olga and your interns who write me letters back after I write first. 

Andaluzia :*

Our beloved intern, which takes care of the “Teach you how to stunt” platform is requesting a week off to recharge her batteries. All our employees are encouraged to request time away from work, and more importantly, be honest about their motivation.

Dear Olga boss,

Here’s my motivation for taking some time off, honestly, no bullshit. I’m in rehab, life is a bit of a bitch at the moment. Things started to go bad so I had to cut them off my daily ritual. I took it as a sign from the baby gizăz, when I left my player in the train last week, that I have to stop listening to music while on the road and start changing my commute. So, day 3 without coffee, music or the subway. Replacing coffee with water is the hardest part, I just starred at the espresso machine for 30 seconds debating whether I should pour coffee down my throat or refill the water bottle. Winner winner, chicken dinner. Going to the bathroom every 7 minutes is my newest cardio exercise. And biking to work, which proved to be very enjoyable and not as sweaty as I thought. Here’s a song I’ve been humming loudly on my way home –> Beck – Dreams 

With this leave of absence, I plan on doing my thing these days, which is “leaving”. I will sleep in a tent, not drink coffee and possibly get hit in the face by a Magyar friend of mine. And cut my hair, too. I’ll be back on Tuesday morning with batteries all recharged and ready to dive into the shitstorm. The future’s bright, the future’s orange, right? 

Uauauiua,

Alleyway

Since it’s open season for exams and evaluations right now, we have asked some members of “Teach you how to stunt” division to write down what they’re thinking about while jogging (if they’re not listening to Britney Spears or other pop queens). Here’s what Gina Underwater wrote us:

Dear Olga friend, here’s the news in a totally random order:

Jon Stewart retires from the Daily Show, my laptop is slowly dying – I can feel it breathing heavily every time I open the browser, Johnny delusional is playing at the radio in this moment, rain starts flooding the streets again which is good news, I got my skin all burned while tanning like an idiot for 7 hours, Lana del Rey is a bit depressing, my golden shoes haven’t been used yet, I found a cool book with gypsy poems, Matlab is finally installed on my laptop, how is Brooklyn during the winter? My Bolivia fund went to shit, made some musical discoveries that go well with the commute, I plan on running away from home with the motorcycle, never again will I eat pizza, a normal conversation takes place at 60dB, pain is not fun, library rats are nice people, the perfume I stole from my sister is mine now, the yoga mat has disintegrated, the planet Uranus rolls around the Sun like a dandy, I have added some new words to my vocabulary that I’m not willing to share, the concerts from last weekend were really cool, Camino del Santiago is my newest interest, a tattoo with a bear riding a bicycle saying “less upsetti more spaghetti” seems like a good idea, I need a tent for 4 nights, why the fuck did I go running last time? Bucharest is not a bad place to live in, the central nervous system does not regenerate, today I almost rescued a cat, wine is dangerous, taxi drivers are most likely to end up in jail, I think a skateboard would really improve my commute, Wild Tales should be on everyone’s “must watch” list, solid fuel is better than liquid fuel, the “magnets, BITCH” guy got a bit fat in the final season, there’s a blue shirt that I have to iron, shitstorm is a good name for a dog, sometimes I want to move out, dolphins have feelings, nobody gives a shit about Monica Lewinsky anymore, I should definitely go to Sweden this summer, facebook is a stubborn bitch that won’t let go easily, I should listen more often the albums I have home, a lime costs more than a lemon, my empathizing friends are good with empathy, wikihow should make an article about how to steal a tent and get away with it, nails are unnecessary and I CAN judge a book by its cover.

Million thanks, bye!

Once a month, the board members of Teach you how to stunt travel outside of Bucharest to hold seminars on English grammar and punctuation in high schools. This time, we traveled by train to beautiful Moldova and shared some interesting stories with a young motocross rider. Unfortunately,  our train broke down and we had to go separate ways, but we kept in touch by e-mail and this is what our inbox offered us a few days ago:

Ahoy, my CFR acquaintaces,

I’ve made it home, finally. A trip that’s normally 5 to 6 hours long turned into a 9 hours obstacle race with 4 different trains, coffee, melted ice-cream and lots of stray dogs. All I kept thinking about was “YOU SHOULD HAVE BOUGHT A SQUIRREL”, the scene from Rat Race; maybe if I had waited for the 1 o’clock train I wouldn’t have had this adventure. No regrets, though, it wasn’t that bad because I had music and enough time for a coffee in each train station. 

The best thing about music is that it can transcend you from the shitstorm you’re witnessing, in my case away from the angry people screaming like maniacs because the train broke down, to a place of  stillness and guitar solos.  If it hadn’t been for my mp3 player I would have probably high-fived someone. In the face.

I have decided to dedicate my Saturday to motorcycling, as I received 5l worth of magic fuel to burn on the road. For something that’s so amazingly wonderful, beyond freedom and adrenaline, the motorcycle is still viewed as a death wish in my hometown. Again, I am not doing wheelies or trying to go all Evil Knievel, I’m just enjoying the journey. On Sunday I’ll try to wake up as early as possible and wish for non-rainy weather so I can burn the remaining of those 5 liters. 

Greetings from home, strangers from the train. I’ll be back after I finish my soup.

Alessandra. 

A wise man once said: “be careful what you wish for ‘cause you just might get”. Even though it’s a Pussycat Dolls lyric and not a famous quote that doesn’t make it any less true. I wished for a two-day road trip with four perfectly sane friends and what I got was a migraine, some dancing skills and too much coffee. And no moussaka.

Transportation. The road from Bucharest to Sofia stretches across approx. 390 km from the Danubian plain and into the Balkans. It’s basically a 5-6 hours drive, unless it’s a national holiday and you’re stuck at border control with 73% of the population that leaves the country. The scenery is a bit boring for the first 300 km but once you enter the Balkans and start sipping some “afinată” the scenery (and everything) gets better. Bulgaria’s landscape is varied, from boring plains to ups-and-downs, tunnels into the Balkans and motocross valleys, and a road trip by car lets you enjoy all of it.

Local cuisine. Or bars, because the cuisine was closed. Our attempt to eat moussaka failed gracefully because we got lost, Siri lost her voice because of the low battery, the restaurants in the city center were all sushi based and the traditional restaurant we did find on the map was not yet open. Our meal plan included the holy sandwiches, coffee from gas stations, some veal/duck meat with colored sauce and drinks to keep us hydrated. Interesting enough was that pubs and bars open late in the night, after 11-12 pm it’s when people start showing up.

Top attractions. Well, Aleksander Nevsky cathedral – the massive symbol of Sofia, and Bulgaria, is hard to miss, Saint Sofia statue standing on a column in the middle of the road replacing Mr. Lenin since 2000, the mineral baths (closed, unfortunately), Sveta Nedelya cathedral – a pretty domed church near the city center, Banya Bashi mosque and plenty of other churches, parks and nice boulevards. You can find free walking tours, food tours, pub crawls, sushi bars.

The city itself is amazing, it’s a combination of Balkan energy and western mystery, both peaceful and busy at the same time. It’s the orthodox crossroads of the Balkan peninsula.

P.S. just listen to this madness.

Ozana is one of the kids who started from the very beginning of the program back in 2006 when she was still in high school. Now she’s writing us weekly “thank you” notes or little stories from her daily life.  Teach you how to stunt has proven, once again, to be an inspiration for young individuals.

My beloved teachers,

I have been studying German lately as an addition to the English courses I’m currently enrolled in. It is challenging indeed, but I praise myself for leaving no stone unturned. I have organized my day in a sequence of learning sessions, starting as early as 5 o’clock some days. It has been proven that an action turns to habit if repeated 66 days in a row. The calendar on my wall informs me I’m currently at day 3 and I can say this experiment I’m conducting it’s everything except nice. 

Firstly, why on planet Earth would someone wake up at such an early hour? The subways barely work at 5, how am I supposed to do that ? The phone starts screaming like a maniac at 05:00, strategically positioned 4 meters away from the bed, waiting for me to move my ass to snooze it. Oh I do, I snooze the shit out of it until a more decent hour (normally 06:30).

Secondly, from the moment I’m supposed to wake up until I get to work it’s already a difference of 4 to 5 hours. Which means I’m hungry (again) and can barely keep my eyelids open at 09:30. Thanks to the holy mother of the baby Joseph for coffee and ghetto music. 

I know Andaluzia has told you about our trip to Sofia this weekend, I’m pretty excited myself. Road trips are always a source of inspiration. And disease, but I’m trying to keep a positive note here. The Berlitz pocket phrase book that’s helping me on my foreign studies is always in my bag, not pocket. Yesterday I realized, while shopping for groceries, that I was speaking loudly in Lidl, in German nonetheless. Die katze, schmetterling, flughafen, apfelkuchen, schuh. I think listening to some german rap music will do wonders, I’ll check with youtube. 

Hope you are all ok and the program is still helping students improve their English, it has been wonderful for me so far. Teach you how to stunt has taught me not to think of Shakespeare as an arrogant ass anymore, million thanks for that. 

Hugs and kisses,
Ing. Ozana.